Does anyone know any good jokes or interesting bits of info?

here is a crappy one that i know

how do you make a cat go woof?
dip it in kero and light it

ROFL that is great, best thing ive heard all day acutly

I aint good with those kinda How does or knock knock jokes!
but heres my best!

KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
Orange
Orange Who?
Orange You glad I didnt say Banana?

Thank Heaven For Little Girls
Kiss Kiss


According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

i heard this one ages ago so some of you may have seen it too.



The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement
a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested to the pension man that he may want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Major to "drop em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Major penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Major replied "Vietnam."

ROFL LMAO
well another one on the same line as the other one

how do you make a dog go meow?
freeze it and cut it up with a circular saw

Who's Nuts And Who's Leaving
Insane


A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."
"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"